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Objective Observer
Weekly newsletter from the Objective Observatory offers a pithy insight into the inner workings of Anguillian Society.
All content is (c) 1993-2006 by RK Publications and reflects the views of the author.
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There's no use waiting for a pause in the soon-to-seem-endless U.S. Presidential campaign, so we have decided to report to you on the state of affairs in Atlanta (airport code ATL). The Staff stayed in the Buckhead area, impressively wealthy, which may give a slightly skewed impression of the metroplex as a whole. For our Readers in Anguilla and the world at large, we wish to touch on all major areas of interest: shopping, female fashion, eating, and air quality. [Not to spoil the suspense, but the ratings are : high, high, high, and terrible.]
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We begin with a round of applause for our Chief Information Officer on the Staff. Returning from Atlanta, he was faced not only with a dead main computer, but with a dead back up computer (a Dell, which had the habit of dying stone dead). A new computer had arrived, and the doughty CIO set it up, then stole the hard drive from the dead main computer, transferred it into a portable computer enclosure (brought from Atlanta) and was able to transfer almost all files into the newest Micron, and here we are, ready to provide all eager Readers with the most current and egregious Errors.
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Readers have of course noted the absence this past weekend of OO number 540, and, we like to think, have rushed hourly to open their E-mail in-boxes, looking for their pearls of wisdom for the coming days. We regret to report that the cause of the delay has been a multiple computer failure. The computer room at the Objective Observatory contained two high speed desktops, both fully configured. When the priceless words of the weekly columns had been produced and approved in the Staff’s executive session, they were saved on the main computer (a Micron) and on the back-up, and then on a CDRW disk. Well, the back-up machine (a Dell) suddenly went dead, and since Dell’s service has no idea where Anguilla is (they asked the OO sixteen times for the address here), that was that. It was time for a replacement, and a fancy MicronPC has been ordered by the Chief Technical Officer (who is unqualified). Whereupon, the main computer, learning that a younger rival was on the way, had a fit of jealousy and died on the spot.
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This last week, the airwaves in the U.S. were full of talk about two subjects, one not worth the time to talk about if it weren’t election time, one so serious no politician will touch it. The first subject was, of course, gay marriage, with an outbreak of same-sex couples getting licenses in San Francisco, and small outbreaks in other spots, including New Paltz. [We are not too sure just where New Paltz is; sorry. Is it close to Old Paltz?] Now, while our highly-trained and highly-paid Staff worries about all sorts of things, no Staff Worrier has felt in the least threatened by what couples of boys, or of girls, do in San Francisco. The sun still rises in the East here, and sets to stunning effect over Upper Shoal Bay. So, what’s all the fuss about?
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Flash! This just in from our Staff Director of Scientific Speculation. We have the results of a seminal experiment. As Readers know, the Objective Observatory is located on the Sea Rocks. The Observatory is reached via an Anguilla dirt road, which, like all such roads, is "surfaced" by a dressing of a reddish clay called "Marl", containing large and small lumps and stones. [Aside: at the Observatory, the Steward provides boiled cistern water labeled "Tang O' the Marl". Refreshing.] In the experiment, an observer was stationed on the road, with eyes three inches above the surface. What was the view? Reddish clay with lumps and stones. What did it look like, exactly? Right! The photos from the surface of Mars sent back by the NASA Landers. We call for an investigation, and suggest that all "Mars" research be conducted on Anguilla. You'll see the same pictures, cheap.
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The United States and the World face many dangers, nay, many threats to civilization. As we made plain last week, the sight of Janet Jackson’s right boob (with ornament) was not such a threat. Nevertheless, this week produced a parade of boobs (in the sense of witless fools) who grasped for TV time to announce that the barbarians were at the gates of latter-day Rome. Congressmen cheerfully ignored war, “Intelligence [sic]” incompetence, fiscal ruin, and all lesser threats, and spent hours deploring and nattering. The Chairman of the FCC, who favors allowing a single company to own all regional TV, Radio and newspapers, was distressed, although he had ignored endless hours of truly salacious sniggling porn displayed to the impressionable and overweight youth of America. All professional deplorers were out in force, and Congressmen moaned loudly and threatened massive fines for exposure of sexually significant parts. It was the late H.L. Mencken who called much of the population the “Booboisie”. So right, H.L.
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Dammit! Dammit! We here had sworn a solemn oath to neither read nor watch any Michael Jackson news. Then, at the Superbowl, yet another Jackson hit the news like [... simile deleted]. She appeared with a dance group from the Pelvic Thrust School of Ballet, who committed a spectacle of high tackiness. Then, she arranged to expose her right boob. Well! Of course this released: (1) endless repeat clips; and (2) a flood of self-righteous professional Deplorers, among whom a complete and bearded ass named Brent Bozell was the most egregiously offensive. We, of course, believe that the sight of a naked female breast will at once cause all five-year olds to become sex fiends and destroy marriage, the institution. Meanwhile, if any TV programs need a good Deplorer, the OO is ready, waiting, and works cheap. For the same fee, he will deplore thong underwear.
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To our surprise, a savvy and sophisticated visitor to the Sea Rocks recently said that, despite working in Washington, she had no idea how large a Trillion was. With the U.S. budget deficit now over half a Trillion and rising, and the Congress and the President agreeing on cutting taxes, flying to Mars, and paying for everybody’s drugs (the good kind), the U.S. is now and will be fiscally ineligible to join the European Union, assuming it wanted to. We feel this innumeracy (yes, it is a word, despite our spell-checker’s opinion) requires rapid action, and our Revered Investment Guru (the R.I.G.) springs into action.
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As we have reported to you, the Anguilla Post Office has established a U.S. mailing address. This enables us to get all U.S. magazines for very cheap U.S. prices, plus a couple of bucks EC for the Post Office’s trouble (1 EC $ = .372 U.S. cents, about]. Naturally, the entire Staff has demanded specialized magazines. So, now, we get Time, Newsweek, The Economist, Fortune, PC Magazine, PC World, Computer Shopper, Scientific American, Bridge World, The New Yorker, Foreign Affairs, and several journals that insist on sending themselves even though we neither subscribe nor pay. Even with this list, there are other mags that might appeal, such as Gut (the Journal of Gastroenterology, not our field but we like the name). Then, there’s The Journal of Psychopharmacology – do we need it?
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One of the most offensive characteristics of current political discourse is the insistence on avoiding plain facts and instead, calling the bringer of facts names such as “right-[or left-] winger”, or “liberal” or “Conservative” [and neither of these is ever accurate]. When this evidently does not deny the facts, the facts are evaded by saying something else, sometimes true but always irrelevant. Here at the Objective Observatory, we are sternly devoted to facts, the real facts, and nothing but the facts. With that preface, we turn to the topic of the absence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. During this discussion, we nowhere deny that the firm of Saddam Hussein & Evil Sons was a terrible, inhuman, and disgusting regime. Let’s move on.
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In any large and active Staff there is competition and some get their feelings hurt. Our Senior Counsel, a magisterial presence, demands space for vital legal issues. The first is the number of TV ads that contain absolutely unreadable small print “legal” disclaimers filling the screen for a tenth of a second after the pitch for cheap loans or such. Counsel points out that anything unreadable has absolutely no legal force in any decent court, and that lawyers who put such illegible boilerplate into an ad are incompetent or worse. [Our office keeps getting e-mails offering all sorts of degrees from “prestigious unaccredited universities”. Maybe they also give law degrees.]
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We begin with Staff announcements. To improve productivity, absolutely no time will be spent on the subject of Michael Jackson. This guy is too freaky and resistant to our brand of acute analysis. We have but one last word for him: Begone! Also banned, for far different reasons, is any discussion of Loop Quantum Gravity. According to Scientific American, this latest theory combines relativity, quantum physics, and a touch of hot sauce. The theory has twin bases: (1) “Background Independence”, and (2) “Diffeomorphism Invariance”. Our background is independent enough, but we are regrettably weak on Diffeomorphism.
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It is the turn of the year; this last of the 2003 OO columns makes ten years of OOs. Perhaps we should make a collection on CD – your responses solicited. Once more, we make resolutions for the year to come, and even suggest some that might be made by others, these last submitted with our usual humility. Please note that we are still under our promise not to talk about I*aq again this year, but you just wait.
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It's the season. The Steward at the Objective Observatory spent the morning packing some jars of dried fruit in finest old rum. After aging a few weeks, this is the gift that keeps on giving to your morning cereal for many months. You start the day with the faintest of buzzes, but it's better for you than Oxycontin, and tastes lots better. In that mellowing mood, we consider how stands Anguilla.
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Yes, it is that time of the year. Anguilla is notably lacking in two-foot snowfalls and theaters showing sappy seasonal movies, yet we are always alert as the year winds down. Partly this is because the entire Staff is getting ready for a big birthday party today for our leader, and wrapping thoughtful gifts. The Revered Investment Guru is giving a hot stock tip: a company that makes buccal delivery systems for drugs (look it up). The Ethicist is giving pure thoughts, and the House Steward is bottling dried fruits in Special Reserve Rum. At such times, it is only appropriate to declare a (temporary) cease-fire in our broadsides directed to politicians of all countries and parties. In particular, we propose no more rants about the mess in Iraq until 2004. But then, just wait.
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As Faithful Readers of the previous 526 OO columns know, we have some firm convictions here, and they have pretty stable over the years. One of these has been a strong belief that the free distribution of guns to any who want them is a bad idea. Another has been the certainty that allowing the sale of automatic weapons is close to governmental madness, if not criminal insanity. But, despite the current wave of sniper fire along the interstate in Ohio, we have had deeper thoughts. This evidence of new thought may surprise you, as it should.
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Once more, The New Yorker, not the magazine one thinks of first for serious political reporting, has a magnificent article about Iraq. This is “War after the War” by George Packer – in the 24 November edition. It is thoughtful, detailed, and explains much about the Washington bureaucratic conflicts, just as bitter as the real shooting. Experience has taught our Staff that affairs in Anguilla often illuminate what is going on in the United States and even half way around the world. Anguilla adds clarity to what otherwise would be mysterious. So it is with the sorry state of affairs in Iraq. [Please, Readers, do not e-mail to say that Iraq was in a sorry state before the invasion; of course it was, and Saddam, unfortunately not one of those killed off yet, is hideous. But, that doesn’t explain the current mess.]
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Our Staff Political Analyst is particularly fond of (but does not always agree with) pols who are blunt and irreverent, like Senator McCain. When they don’t like something, you know it. After damning the rental of air tankers from Boeing as a fraud on the taxpayers, McCain’s latest blast was loosed at the so-called Energy Bill. He calls it the “Leave No Lobbyist Behind” bill. To tell the truth, the bill is, plainly, a big fat piece of pork, with no incentives for higher gas mileage or similar environmental ideas. Cleverly, almost brilliantly, McCain focused on one of many hidden lumps of bounty, the issuance of “Green Bonds” for construction of a $150 million riverfront area in Shreveport, LA. The tenants of this “Riverwalk” include a Hooters restaurant. So, says McCain, “Here we have an energy bill subsidizing both hooters and polluters". A good hit, no?
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The benevolent Post Office in Anguilla has procured a Dallas, Texas Post Office Box where all Anguillians (for a fee) can have their mail sent to a U.S. address. This works fine, or at least it works fine for U.S. sellers who are not too lazy to walk to the Post Office (many insist on UPS). For magazines, the charge is EC$2 a pop, and the same for catalogs. The OO immediately subscribed to a lot of new magazines at cheap rates. Our Steward ordered assorted stuff like long-nose pliers, and other life essentials. Then, the unwanted mail began to stream in.
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A quick poll of the Staff has uncovered no single instance of a Government entity either in the United States or Anguilla or indeed anywhere in the world, ever, ever, saying that it had made a mistake and done something wrong. Senator John McCain, has, however, said that he had made mistakes. But he, you have presumably noted, was neither nominated or elected U.S. President (more’s the pity, some say).
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