0702 - Manuals

When you live on the island of Anguilla, you must be more self-reliant than in the effete big cities of the world. It is not easy here – it is almost impossible – to get someone to come and fix one of your modern (or for that matter, antique) devices so necessary to complex living. So, when your hardware or software is treating you badly, you must resort to the manual distributed to you some months or years ago. This is no fun at all, for several reasons. First, the manufacturer is not making any money from your troubles with old stuff, and has little incentive to assist you in your pain. Second, the usual tech-writer cannot write simple, comprehensible instructions to be understood by the usual reader. And third, the usual manual uses undefined terms constantly. If a fellow had to communicate with a girl the way a tech-writer does, they would never even get to the first date, much less reproduce.

We have at hand countless repellent examples of manual-ese. Take the manual which came with the ‘07 Subaru Outback, the new official vehicle for The OO. The car is sexy; the manual is, well, dumb. In fact there is not just one manual; there is a short one and a big fat one. The car makes repetitive annoying sounds should you not fasten your seat belt. To back out of the driveway here, you have to be unbelted, so you are buzzed incessantly. Refer to the small manual – it say to refer to the large manual. Read the large manual – it says to ask your dealer. Send an e-mail to the Dealer, and you get a polite reply saying the Dealer is prohibited from telling you how to shut off the buzzer. That's nice.

Or, suppose you are in Anguilla and have subscribed to Vonage, the Voice Over Internet Protocol long distance service. It works for three years, then it doesn't. Well, you try calling Vonage so-called "Service". They never, but never, answer the phone. Send them an e-mail and you get a boilerplate reply using a bunch of undefined technical terms. Do you have a DOCSIS 1.1 modem or better? Who knows? How do you, the hapless user, know what modem Cable and Wireless, the wireless internet supplier, has stuck on your roof to connect you to the outside world? You don't. And C&W, smarting from losing what was once its overseas monopoly, is none too helpful in assisting you to use Vonage, its cheap competitor. Vonage, which is suffering itself, isn't going to let anyone answer its phone, but will ask you what kind of modem and router you have. Don't even think about reading the router's manual. It is near fatal. You can read about setting your router to Point To Point Tunneling protocol [PPTP], but you are never going to find out what PTTP is, or how to find out what protocol your provider wants. Maybe a "Tunneling Protocol" is some sort of sexual practice? Please do not write in about this.

Well, you may think unsympathetically, why is the OO trying to do all this techie stuff himself? Just call in an expert. Aye, there's the rub. Sure, there are experts advertising their services in New York, Chicago, and London. But, as we told you at the outset, there are no experts to call in on Anguilla; there are those who know, but they are not offering servicing. You are isolated, alone. Oh, sure, we hear all the time about the deficiencies of the health system. What about the deficiencies of the tech system?

Finally, in our pain, we wish to say something mean about Microsoft Windows. Microsoft sends you, every Tuesday, a bunch of repairs to its hyper-complex system, and they are automatically installed. Your computer then groans, complains, and freezes up. Don't even think of consulting the so-called "Help" system. It isn't in English, and it won't help. You just suffer. Please pity us here as we re-boot. Where is Bill Gates when you need him?

Next time: Freezing [OO #703]