0555 - Airportz

Before turning to the significant public policy portion of this column, we have to deal with much stuff cluttering up the Staff Workroom. First, AOL is treating our Readers shamefully, blocking shipments of our deathless prose, then blocking re-sends, then blocking messages telling AOL users to protest to AOL. It is Fascism – if AOL says you are spam, you're spam, even if your message is requested, contains no advertising, sells nothing, and contains no bad words known to VP Cheney. AOL users, look around – there are many better and cheaper e-mail and web-browsing services. And besides, it is time you upgraded to broadband, anyway. We're getting mad. Meanwhile, protest to AOL, and then go to the site where this column is always posted:
www.anguillaguide.com/article/archive/84

Now, back to the desk clutter. On the WBNB (Wear Black No Butt) front, here is a quote from The Stepford Wives: Nicole Kidman is asked “Only high-powered castrating Manhattan bitches wear black. Is that what you wanted to be?” Nicole replies demurely: “Ever since I was a little girl”. Nice.

Then, we saw Amazon's best-selling fiction list. Number 2 on the list was “Harri Potaa to Fushichou no Kishidan” at 4,000 Yen. This is of importance equal to the news that Barbie, that doll, has ditched Ken and has hooked up with an Aussie named Blaine. Sad, but we are at least pleased to see Mattel still supporting heterosexual doll relations. Finally, just after receiving spam from “Adoption K. Appertained” we ran across a computer program that generates such names. So, sadly, there is no Appertained family.

Now for public policy. After experiencing the Los Angeles and then the San Juan airports recently, our Staff felt it is time for a radical makeover before the public riots and destroys what passes for infrastructure. For Heaven's sake, conditions at LAX are right behind Abu Ghraib. We have suggestions to cure the dragging bags to the line waiting to check in, then dragging to the stand where the bags are wiped and the wiper is sniffed (for smuggled copies of perfumes?), and then dragging the bags along, up escalators to long inspection lines before the X-ray machines. Time to act! The system needs redesign.

No. 1: the layout is wrong. The scanning should take place before entering the check-in area. If they have to wipe and sniff, so be it, but do it before the dangerous bag of explosives gets into the hall with thousands of victims standing around. What should happen is you check in, the bags are tagged and go away, and only then do you shuffle through the X-ray in your socks. Further, and living on Anguilla we hate to say it, those who want to ship home five enormous duffelbags (is the proper plural dufflesbag?) should go to a separate place. That much junk is freight.

San Juan airport is a different problem. Start by banishing to Baghdad the evil monopoly selling phony food-type substance. Then, the Public Address system should be ripped from the walls, all future announcements to be made by machines that speak slowly and plainly. The airlines, rapidly going broke, must allow sale of simple edible food to carry on, all airline employees and former SJU food workers to be banned for life from making the sandwiches. Also, all airline desk personnel should be forbidden to gossip to each other during business hours. Prices for newspapers and small packets of stale chips and nuts should be stringently controlled, while all snacks in stock at SJU should be burned at the stake. And have a nice trip.

Next time: Spam [OO #556]

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