0573 - Memorabilia

Notice to patient Readers: Due to atmospheric disturbances on the Sea Rocks, the Objective Observatory’s broadband wireless internet receiver was hit by lightning or its moral equivalent. Thus, this column will go out by old-fashioned dial-up, and it may take some time to get to you. We apologize for the technical fault (but not, of course, for any content). The title for today’s column came from watching Antique Roadshow on Public Television; this consists of experts telling astounded plain people how much the junk they have around the house is worth. On this day, there was discussion of the value of “historic” (not our term) baseballs and baseball bats. Numbers in the six figures were mentioned. Now, you may not know that the OO has the largest collection of Heintz silver-on-bronze ware on all of Anguilla (and possibly the entire Lesser Antilles). So respect for the old and curious is rampant around here. But, we are not bidding over $100,000 for any baseball bat, nor anything similar for a baseball, whatever its “Provenance” (not the section of France, but the record of its possession).

Moving right along, the mail here is now full of the annual offers of stuff you never knew existed and never wanted to exist, and catalogs of stuff attempting to look worthy of display 100 years from now on what then may pass for Public TV. We have been particularly impressed by the talking Donald Trump doll, and have indeed sent some (anonymously) to unwary recipients. There also seems to be a brisk market in machines that claim to cleanse the ambient air. In Anguilla, we do not need such (sorry, Sharper Image), because we have the sea air that is clean and sharply fresh, and plenty of it. This cuts down the overhead, and allows for purchase of additional gadgets, which we admit we love.

Many computer-oriented items of bric-a-brac are advertised at ridiculously low prices, the result, it is claimed, of various “Rebates” that will reduce the cost of your software, hardware, or mushy-ware. But, have you ever tried to collect these promised “Rebates”? What you get is a tiny card, printed in four point type, telling you to send in a piece of the item’s box, as well as the receipt for purchase, as well as (often) the title page from some previous and outdated edition of software, as well as a questionnaire that would have delighted Kinsey, detailing your personal habits and interests. Then, you have to fill out a one-inch section of the card with your name and address, as well as the 29-digit product code and the 18-digit serial number. You then send it off to the remote areas of a Red State, where pious churchgoers may or may not send you a check, all in good time. Bah! If those seeking a second marriage had to send in a fragment of the first partner, no one would ever get divorced.

One of our favorite bargains has just arrived, thanks to the eagle eye of our House Steward. It is a fancy toaster with complex electronic controls and glowing LEDs, adjustable for all sorts of toastables. It came in a box with this legend: “PACKAGING IS OBSOLETE OR BLEMISHED – Product Warranty Remains Unchanged”. This is a marvelous bit of prose, and we have printed it up on cards for handing to comely members of the opposite sex upon meeting them for the first time. It should avoid those explanations of how the Anguillian sun ages one prematurely. If you would like a packet of the cards, write your name and a 500-word biography on the back of a postage stamp and mail it in.

Next time: Computation [OO #574]

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