0580 - Gurk

[Note: due to breaking news (pun – see below) the scheduled Backwards will be seen next week.] The news is the arrival here of a deliberately post-Christmas catalog. It comes under the name "Johnson Smith, since 1914" and indeed the older Staff well remembers that name. In long ago days there were J.S. ads in comic books, and they had items such as a build your own electric motor for 10 cents (might have been 15 cents). This was a small collection of metal bits and some wire. Now, the contents are somewhat more shocking, possibly explaining some features of modern life, such as certain TV programs and political candidates. But, before exploring this treasure trove of bad taste, we have to come to an understanding about a certain word. We have noted before that "poo" is now heard on TV (CNBC spoke of "chicken poo" this morning). We don't know about the current propriety of the common word "f*rt", to describe the release of intestinal gas, so instead we give you the word in the title above from our Dictionary of Slang.

Well, people, the JS catalog starts with no less than a plastic Santa Claus who moons you on demand, as well as three other like items (mooning elves, etc.) Then, there is the mechanical finger, a fist that extends the middle finger by battery power. There is also plastic poo, doggie same, and a doggie doo calendar, apparently with the wish that your year may be filled ... forget it. It's clear, though, what sells. Research found no less than 15 items that depend on the new electronic technology for reproducing speech or sounds, and the chosen noise is ... drum roll ... the Gurk!

There is the Gurking Santa, the Gurking toilet paper holder, and, quite costly at US$16.98, the "Wireless Remote Control F*rt Machine" – oops, make that "Gurk Machine". There is Count F*rtula, a Gurking monkey ("Talks, f*rts and sings"), a Remote Control Gurking Bear, and a Gurking Wall Clock ("Every hour you get a fragrant flatulation"). And, the ever popular combination pen in the shape of a finger that Gurks if you pull it. Rather touching is (or are) the Gurking Salt and Pepper Shakers, bound to add class to your table, which no doubt needs it. And, at the very head of its class (if that's the right word) is the Santa who is mooning, Gurking, and blowing bubbles from the ... er ... rear orifice. [NB: supply your own bubble fluid.]

Does this mean the start of an era of totally bad taste (the Gurk Candy, the Gurk Cologne are already listed) or is this simply what the U.S. public has always been? There is some hope, since the learned 140-page "Guide to Bodily Fluids" is also for sale. And, in a nostalgic mood, you have all those 114 year old magic tricks. Also, don't despair you entomological fans, we have both the giant 34-inch cockroach and the 26-inch ant.

As we were about to describe for you the pages and pages of T-shirts pictured (Mooning Santa, anybody?), we became slightly nauseous, and there is other news. First, it seems that Mullah Rockety, mentioned last column, is also known as Mullah Rocketi, and the name comes from his proficiency with a rocket launcher.

And then, there is a new stock being traded, under the ticker symbol NAPS. Now, tastes differ, and you may or may not want that Mooning Santa, but there's no doubt that on Anguilla this is glad news, and NAPS will be a hot stock. For your further info, the company runs the Napster on-line music site. Isn't that special?

Next time: Backwards [OO #581]

| Printer-friendly page | Send this article to a friend |

Home