0657 - Dr.Phil

Important international matters cause us to postpone, yet one more time, our report on Changes in Anguilla (there are many). Our Staff was sitting around the big conference table, discussing why the bad guys – specifically Hamas, Hezbollah, Chavez and that childish unshaven Iranian fellow, seem to have better policy planning, better public appeal, and, yes, better PR than our side. We are talking about Iraq, of course, and Lebanon, and also South America and the stage at the United Nations. Of course, everybody realizes that the bad fellows appeal to the worst human emotions, like envy, racial hatred, religious bigotry, and all the rest. But, the current Administration talk about the beauties of democracy (small d), do not ring true when Hamas is elected in Palestine and Hezbollah is elected to Government in Lebanon, and that unshaven Iranian seems wildly popular. So, while it is clear than Rummy and friends are doing nothing right, just what should we be doing?

If you pay careful attention to what the commentators say about Hamas and Hezbollah popularity, the reports are that these groups give out food, jobs, and support of all kinds. Do we see the U.S. doing that in Iraq? Not really. The current head in Iraq made a snappish comment last week about the need for jobs and noted sharply that the jobs should be given to Iraqis. Apparently, the big U.S. corporate contractors are not winning hearts and minds. Hezbollah tends to the poor and miserable Lebanese Muslims. We don't. This is shameful! America has an oversupply of politicians who stay in office by handing out jobs and favors, and, yes, contracts. Couldn't we ship over some big city pols and those types hanging around State capitals, and let them loose? Quite a while back, this column suggested, correctly, that it would be a good idea to distribute shares in the Iraqi oil companies to the citizens there, so they would not sabotage the pipelines daily. Why not listen to us?

If the Administration in Washington ever listened to anybody, they ought to learn that merely saying that democracy and freedom are great does not cut the mustard when people are poor, starving, and jobless. As a matter of fact, it doesn't seem that the Israeli occupation of Gaza was marked by any good works. Yes, yes, it is true that in the Middle East the Muslims so love to shoot and kill that the sub-sects delight in blowing each other up. The Mullahs fan the flames. Couldn't the U.S. ship over some of its surplus of self-appointed preachers who peddle their wares on TV so successfully? Don't we have enough TV producers to run shows over there discouraging blowing up people? How about game shows with prizes for identifying somebody carrying a bomb? Or best of all, how about making fun of those outrageous Mullahs preaching destruction? "Boo your Mullah", on Channel 5 every day.

The famed U.S. PR and advertising industry has not been called upon for advice and casting. Look at the character who is the Acting UN Ambassador – he's wearing a funny mustache, and he says the UN is useless. Is he winning friends? Is Cheney? Bad, bad casting.

We suggest the U.S. call in Dr. Phil. Our policies and their presentation have made us deeply unloved. Dr. Phil would not have run Guantanamo for a minute, nor would he have allowed the scandal of Abu Ghraib. We do not look cuddly (and in fact we are not). Our Staff votes that it is time to throw Rummy to the wolves – even the Republicans now see he is incompetent. Replace him with Dr. Phil, hire a good advertising team, blanket the airwaves, spend some money on bread and circuses, and let's go! None of these ideas are copyright, so use them freely. Lotsa luck.

Next time: (Alas!) Changes [OO #658]

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