0683 - TechTalk

You have heard many warnings in this space, almost all prescient and correct. Today, we sound the alarm for the inability of anyone having knowledge of soft- or hard- ware to explain how to use the same. This is a world wide problem. You are, of course, familiar with the impenetrable jargon used by the authors of any computer software when attempting to instruct you in the use of their latest and complex programs. For ordinary household equipment, though, it was humanly possible to read the manual that came with the vacuum cleaner or the TV, and proceed to run the darn thing. No longer.

The House Steward at The Objective Observatory ordered a new TV. A fine new ViewSonic flat panel LCD duly arrived – in fact, two arrived, but that's another tale of woe. The picture is gorgeous, the features are innumerable, and the manual is useless. The problem is the same found in all computer software instructions; that is, the authors use technical terms they invented, but never define the terms so you have the slightest idea what they are telling you. Anyway, the ViewSonic manual is in English, French, and Spanish, and could as well be written in Farsi. The handheld remote control has no less than 51 buttons on it. Many buttons have a yet tinier caption in 4 point type, reading "MTS/SAP" or such-like. "Go read the manual" you say, unhelpfully. Oh yeah? The manual has a picture of the remote, yes, with each button numbered, but the "Explanation" is repetitively opaque. The explanation of button HTMI/PC is "Switches the source to HDMI/PC mode". Thanks a whole lot.

In the body of the manual, the mystery deepens. Most of what you might want to do is under the heading of "OSD Functions". What are those? Never defined, may be the initials of the owner's nephew. Sometimes the listing seems to tell you something simple. But it ain't so. "Backlight" is a Function name. the full explanation is "Adjusts the backlight of the OSD menu." Then we have the "PIP Position" which is not what you think, dirty-minded Readers, but has something to do with "Picture in Picture", which we suspect is a way to watch two TV programs at once. We have cable, so when in comes to Input Source, we stare baffled at the "Explanation": " Select the input source: Air, AV1, AV2, HD1, HD2, PC, HDMI". What are these creatures? And what, pray, do the tiny captions on the rear of the set mean for connections. What is "S/AV-IN"? Does it differ from "HDMI-IN"? And the real curiosity: what happens when we choose "Anamorphic" as an Image Size? Sounds scary, so we were a bit frightened to try.

We have a suggestion for those who write manuals. First, always define your terms in plain language. Write a Glossary. Then take an innocent (yes, they exist) off the street and see if such a person can read the instructions. It would not hurt to start by explaining the different inputs, and which controls select and adjust them. If you can do this, ask Microsoft to hire you, because they need you bad, real bad. Vista is here, you know, and no one at Microsoft can write readable instructions, or for that matter, invent sensible names for controls.

Speaking of our Staff, a noted local Anguillian artist wants to sketch the whole Staff, and wants an up to date list. Parts of the Staff List are Secret, you know, and some of the Staff, like the Chief Slogan Officer (CSO) are in unidentifiable locations. The CSO is very busy these days, what with rhyming Barack Obama. So far, the best Obama slogan seems to be: "This time, pick a smart guy". Then, there's research: what does Arak taste like? Arak seems to be a Middle Eastern liquor, Arrack from Indonesia and Sri Lanka. Will either help Obama?

Next time: So? [OO #684]

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